Monthly Archives: October 2011

Another Rapture Will Come and Go

Image from i.huffpost.com

We’ve been here before; you know – the beginning of the end.

On Friday, October 21, Christian radio broadcaster Harold Camping says his revised call of the rapture will come true. This won’t happen, but we all act like we’re obligated to play along with the old kook. After all, we don’t want to hurt his feelings so close to his imminent death.

Camping has been wrong about this before. In a book titled “1994?” Camping predicts the second coming of fake Christ would take place on September 6, 1994. Needless to say, he was slightly off.

Then he envisioned May 21, 2011 would be our end times. It didn’t happen. Camping said his math was a little bit off.

Wait … math? He’s actually applied a formula to the nonexistent? Possibly. According to Wikipedia, Camping takes these factors into account before making his rapture predictions:

  • Jewish feast days in the Hebrew calendar, as described in the Old Testament,
  • the lunar month calendar (1 synodic month = 29.53059 days), and
  • A close approximation of the Gregorian calendar tropical year (365.24219 days, rounded to 365.2422).

Camping projects these into modern times and combines the results with other information in the Bible.

Setting back believers

Is this possible? After all, they’re already set back 3,500 years in their beliefs. But there is a further division between believers and doomsday prophets. Camping, among all non-believers and an overwhelming majority of believers, is usually dismissed with an eye roll when visualizing the rapture. He’s too literal for the mainstream religious population to take seriously. 99.9% of Christians do not take the Bible literally. Rather, they proof text the parts they feel are applicable to their life. (Would Jesus approve of this?)

Setting back atheism

Is this possible? After all, they already have all the arguments they need, right? Stories in the Bible are preposterous and have no basis of tangible truth. (I know. That’s why they call it faith.) But atheist activists have to be careful not to pick the low-hanging fruit. Campy Camping is an easy target with a fringe ideology. Focusing on a miniscule minority will only make atheism look like as big of hack as Camping.

Self-made ‘rapture’

Avoid buying excess amounts of bottled water this week. You won’t need it. Jesus isn’t coming back. He was never “here” in the first place. The closest thing you’ll find to Jesus today is a Mexican man. There will always be calls of “judgement day” from the unstable religious population. (Yes, there is a stable religious population.)

Truthfully, the only way the world will end is because we let it. Global warming will cook our planet. Oil companies will destroy the waters. Our actions will tank the ecosystem. Class warfare will kill off a segment of population due to poverty.

And we’re worried about Jesus coming back?

Maybe the “rapture” isn’t a quick decimation. Maybe we’re living it. Maybe it’s a long, arduous decay of what we took for granted.

If that’s the case, the rapture is already here.

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10 Haunted House Themes for 2011

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With Halloween quickly approaching, it’s time to examine one problem with this non-holiday holiday: While we appreciate what we see, we’ve seen it all before. With that, I’m talking about the haunted house. Ohhh, a big scary mansion. I wonder what the guy around the corner is wearing? The outfit from “Scream?” A werewolf? An unidentifiable who-the-fuck-knows-what-that-is monster? While the scare and shock factor for haunted houses always peaks, there’s a sense of letdown when the expected, well, happens. Sure, you jump. But that’s because the guy in front of you jumped out of a dark corner. Once you see his trivial costume, you brush him aside.

I recently visited a Halloween attraction site that brought different themes to the game. There was a mine shaft, “fun house” (clowns, lights and lots of disorientation) and the tried and true (yet remarkable authentic) insane asylum. It was a fresh take on fabricated terror. I saw a girl cry; real tears of terror. It was terrific. Another girl cracked her head open and was bleeding like she had bladed like a pro wrestler. She wanted out that bad that she ran into a low-hanging object. We need more of this.

These are 10 haunted house themes that can both entertain and scare the shit outta ya.

The Abortion Clinic

What could possibly be scarier to a group of onlookers than a deranged doctor sucking fetuses from his unsuspecting patients? This has real potential to disgust on a large scale. Whether you’re for or against abortion, seeing this blood-thirsty physician work the drill and Hoover vacuum in a dimly-lit, filthy room is creepy.

The Military Embed

The minute you purchase your tickets for this attraction, everything is fair game. Good luck dodging the souls and zombies of those soldiers and civilians killed in battle. When you attempt to seek safety and salvation at your base, you’ll learn it is being haunted by conflicting political groups looking to take your resources and life in the name of their ideology.

Michael Jackson’s bedroom

True life is often scarier than what we can conceive in a fictional setting. All you need to make this work is the corpse of Michael Jackson (who was plenty scary alive) and his dimly lit room to give people the heebie-jeebies. Scatter it with the spirits of the children he molested and you have a pretty bizarre room.

A Hollister Co. store

The soulless drones that walk this dark store have taken lifeless conformity for the lesser good to new heights. You’ll gag with the smell of 8th grade cologne if you don’t have your life drained by the sales tactics of the uneducated staff first. It may look like a West Coast oasis, but it’s far more terrifying than that.

Anthony Weiner’s photography lab

Image from jamiiemunro.files.wordpress.com

Enter, but only if you have a strong stomach. The vain Weiner litters his lab with his best sexts. The grown Weiner has a wall full of his best dick pics while working on a collage of mirror shots of his ass. In the corner, a nearly-nude Weiner laughs in a maniacal to himself while snapping away with his iPhone. Kindly decline if he asks you to “send to receive.” Failing to do this will land you a life of shame and regret.

The organic food co-op

After struggling to crawl through the cloud of smugness that will meet you at the entrance, you’ll have to remain low to the ground as not to be spotted by a sales associate looking to sell you expired quinoa. Keep in mind that the associates aren’t zombies, they’re just baked out of their skulls on pot and mushrooms. Avoiding falling for the popular marketing term “organic” and you just might make it out alive.

Walmart

With all lights off you have to navigate your way through deals, poorly made products and yokel shoppers to escape the confines of the big-box store. Don’t expect directions or help from employees – those worthless fucks’ only means of communication is a mumble and a groan. Around every corner, down every aisle and placed on every endcap is a reason to be frightened. The best way to escape Walmart is to avoid going there in the first place.

High school

Take the worst time of your life and make it even worse. The assholes you remember are now …  … … you know, on second thought this need not change at all. The only thing not making high school a horror house (it’s already a whore house) is the quality of the building. Take those little fucks and throw them in a broken down, podunk  structure to fend for themselves and you have the worst place on Earth. (Many of these kids double as cast members at Hollister.)

The night club

You’ll definitely have to sign a release waiver for this one. There’s a very real chance you’ll be raped by a faux macho clubber. This haunted attraction is highlighted by body-numbing bass from the shitty music you love to hate to male zombies drugging female zombies. Grab a pool cue to use as defense and destroy as many yuppie clubbers as you can. This is a free-for-all. Make the world a better place.

Your childhood own home

This is a stretch, but what would be scarier than seeing a mock creation of the place you grew up in as a child haunted by god knows what? Even better, a depiction of your dead family is there feasting away on house guests. This would be spectacular! Driving by familiar childhood sites can be eery enough. Take it to the next level by immersing yourself in a completely haunting portrayal of your past.

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Lost in a corn maze? Welcome to the world of expectations

Image from assets.nydailynews.com

“I don’t see anybody. I’m really scared. It’s really dark and we’ve got a three-week-old baby with us. … We thought this would be fun. Instead, it’s a nightmare. I don’t know what made us do this. It was daytime when we came in. And I never take my daughter out. This is the first time. Never again!”

Perhaps they thought “The Haunted Corn Field” was really haunted. Perhaps they just didn’t stop and think about their situation. They certainly stopped. Though, it appears they did not think.

As many have heard, a family of four panicked while in the depths of a corn maze Wednesday evening and called 911 so authorities could locate them and guide them to safety. The maze was reportedly seven acres in size, so it should take some time to navigate.

The kicker? The family was only 25 feet from the exit. D’oh!

In the 911 transcript, the woman was worried for her 3-week old child. After all, it was dark – the Boogeyman was surely around the next bend of stalks. Of course, the family was located by police and a K-9 unit. They are still alive. Thank God.

What’s baffling here is the amount of panic that fell upon the adults from getting lost in an attraction you’re supposed to get lost in. The stalks were apparently too daunting of a task to overcome, as reports say lights and a nearby highway would have offered clues on how to get back to civilization.

Offering solutions

You’re a parent, stuck in a corn maze and fearing for your child’s safety. What to do, what to do?

Did it ever occur to the parents that they could maybe plow down some rows of corn? You know, cheat? Despite their paralyzing fear of the maze, they continued to play the game!

And the cell phone? The maze reportedly offered cell phone messages with clues along the way. I guess the Blue’s Clues-level hints were too complicated to piece together.

Also, typical man to not stop and ask for directions. Sheesh. I bet the wife was nagging on him to pull over and ask the family ahead for some advice. The kids were probably crying. The wife was probably yelling. Dad was probably pensively navigating.

I’m sure dad slept well on the couch that night.

 

Here’s video from the news story:

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‘Like’ puts our lazy lexicon in spotlight

Image from abreezyday.typepad.com

My tenth grade English teacher was on a crusade to eradicate excess usage of the word “like.” He went out of his way to assign more class speeches and presentations to demonstrate that our minds didn’t consciously seek out the word “like.” Rather, it was a byproduct of thinking faster than you can speak or failing to find the right word and feeling that a speech should be fluid without pause.

Mr. Phillips understood the word “like” was necessary to draw comparisons between two similar objects. After all, you can’t form a simile without “like” or “as.”

Phillips was unaware of Facebook, as it did not exist when I was in high school. Had it, I believe he would have taken shots from the nearest clock tower after hearing its fundamental form of communication was a “like” button.

Perhaps Phillips hated valley girls. Maybe he was just a bitter man; after all, he was teaching English to a demographic of students who made up new words every day … none of them English. The latter seems more likely.

After his class, I consciously picked out every extraneous “like” from a conversation. I can only conclude that Phillips is a madman, because this attention to detail can drive a man insane.

I thought, at the time, kids my age would grown out of the “like” trend. Surely, with more high school education and higher education, we would learn more words as we gained more experience. After all, the adults I knew didn’t use the word “like” as if there were a daily quota they had to meet. This didn’t happen. So many people my age – early, mid or late twenties – fill the air with “likes.” Their stories are unbearable (if they ever get to the point.) Conversations with them are nonsensical and obnoxious. “It was, like, this and he was all, like, what am I, like, supposed to do?” Just get the bullet. I got your target right here.

Communication quantity, not quality

There are many things my undomesticated generation cannot do that it should be able to do. I have a cousin that filled a dishwasher with Dawn dish soap. And for some reason, the “art” of laundry eludes many college freshmen.

Communication should not be a foreign anomaly for my generation. We have more opportunity to communicate than ever before. Facebook, Twitter, cell phones, texting, office messenger communicators … even face-to-face communication. (Look it up)

There is an interesting pattern on that list, however: Nearly all of them involve a keyboard. How come I don’t read the word “like” a dozen times in a text message, but hear it in verbal communication? We only seem to be succinct when we type out what we are thinking. (I’d say write, but who has the motor skills to do that anymore?) When many of us try to speak verbally, our language becomes cluttered and gaudy.

Lazy lexicon

At a point in time, I was just like this (High school.) It ended after Phillips’ class. We had lots of vocabulary tests in his class. His theory was that you can’t become a better conversationalist if you don’t know words to help you improve and become a more efficient speaker. Again, however, students succeeded on paper where they could see what they were writing. When it come to verbalizing their ideas, out came the “likes.”

Then he told us to shut up.

Huh? We’re supposed to evolve into better speakers by not talking? Then he told us to mimic his tone and pace of conversation. Phillips was a slow talker with a smooth voice. I called him “white Morgan Freeman.” His point of advice: Talk smart. Talk like a snob (without the accent.) Slow your thought process down and your verbal skills will grow and follow in pursuit.

It worked … in his classroom setting, at least. Speeches and presentations became tolerable. Phillips seemed less homicidal.

So, please. If you’re older than 16 but talk like you’re 16, learn some new words and think about what you want to say before you speak. Not only do people turn you out and not hear what you say, but they don’t care because they associate your inability to verbalize a sentence with a meaningless sentence.

A conversation I can follow is a conversation I “like.”

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Dr Pepper 10: The soulless world of marketing

Image from fempop.com

Men don’t drink diet soda. And they don’t like sharing what they drink with women. You know what they do like? They like guns, action movies, ATVs and shit like that. MANLY shit like that!

At least that’s what the marketing team over at Dr Pepper Snapple Group – which apparently only hires knuckle-dragging, Republican cavemen – wants you to think.

The first question that comes to mind is, “Will men fall for this? Is that really the expectation?”

Then I see guys wearing Affliction t-shirts because they think that will get them mistaken as a mixed martial artist or UFC fighter. So, yes. That is the expectation and that is what will happen. (But only to a small segment of thick-skulled morons who are paranoid about their testosterone level.)

Here’s the 30-second commercial clip:

Whew. I’m parched. I could sure go for a nice, cold can of gender profiling to quench my thirst. Is this what men need? They, apparently, hate diet drinks. But they’re okay with a diet drink masquerading as a … diet drink? It’s 10 calories! How does that not scream “diet drink?” A CBS story says men are simply fed up with their options and have called for change. Here is an excerpt:

“Dr Pepper said men, in particular, are dissatisfied with the taste and image of diet drinks. The company wouldn’t disclose the formula of Dr Pepper Ten, but said that the drink has 10 calories and 2 grams of sugar, which gives it a sweeter taste. Dr Pepper said there are 23 flavors in its regular soda, (which has 150 calories and 27 grams of sugar per can) and Dr Pepper Ten contains all of them.”

On the surface, this sounds like a bad business model. Catering solely to men (the gender minority in America) who are uncomfortable enough in their skin to think that they need a drink made specifically for them is certainly niche driven. But it just might be dumb enough to work.

Women will drink Dr Pepper 10. It’s reverse psychology; tell someone they can’t do something and they suddenly feel to urge to out of spite. Men who drink it will do so because they’re thirsty, not because it has been branded in a way to turn up their testosterone.

What stigma?

Dr Pepper says men are dissatisfied with the image of diet drinks. Where is this study? And who the hell makes fun of someone for drinking diet soda? You have shitty friends if that’s the case.

More frustrating than Dr Pepper re-branding a diet drink as a diet drink is the gender warfare the company perceives to exist over what we consume. People who put thought into what they say see food as, well, food. People who think like the Dr Pepper marketing team see meat as men’s food and vegetables as women’s food.

There is no way to tell if this approach to marketing Dr Pepper 10 will work. Regardless of whether it does or not, men should be offended by it. They have been pigeonholed as simpletons who will do anything to not have to deal with women and their feminine ways.

A bigger issue?

Perhaps I’m making mountains our of molehills. Women in America are talked down upon and face this type of stereotyping everyday. But the idea that men are aloof, idiotic, good-for-nothing garage dwellers is played up as an endearing trait in shows such as “Married with Children” and, more recently, “King of Queens,” “Yes, Dear,” and “Still Standing.” The shows portray men as too moronic to fend for themselves and in need of constant correction from the female.

Now, this might be a big jump from a can of soda, but it all boils down to marketing and advertising. This type of gender marketing is lazy on both ends of said practices. (It also further illustrates that the majority of those in marketing and advertising have no interest in bettering the world and will sell products at the expense of a positive message. But they’re paid to make money, not the world a better place.)

Dr Pepper 10 will succeed in the short-term because it is a new product. Men will buy it to piss off their girlfriends. Women will drink it to piss off their boyfriends. Activists will drink it out of irony because American activists and protesters are lazy. (I smell a social media campaign against it.)

But does it need to come to this?

After all, it’s just soda. Diet or not, shut up and enjoy it.

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Columbus Day is no reason to celebrate

Image from law.marquette.edu

“They do not bear arms, and do not know them, for I showed them a sword, they took it by the edge and cut themselves out of ignorance … They would make fine servants … With 50 men we could subjugate them all and make them do whatever we want.”
Christopher Columbus

And here we are today – October 10, 2011. America! The great white man’s world! We deserve this, right? Our happiness and quality of life was created and maintained on hard work and perseverance, right? We owe it to the great mariner himself, Christopher Columbus!

Well, sort of. But, not really.

Let’s give Columbus credit where credit is due. (This shouldn’t take long): Kudos on finding America, even though you weren’t looking for it.

Christopher Columbus

Now that praise has been offered, let’s look further into the ambitious one’s discovery. Now, I accept that I probably wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Columbus’ inability to own a GPS in 1492. But that doesn’t excuse his ruthless tactics in destroying the Native Americans’ way of life.

Columbus is responsible for a level of genocide that can only be described as astonishing. Ever since this point, Native Americans have been treated as second-class citizens. For this, Hawaii, Alaska and South Dakota refuse to recognize the formal holiday of Columbus Day.

The University of California, Los Angeles published documents from the era in which Columbus and his gaggle of slave owners founded America. The editor of that project, Geoffrey Symcox, had this to say:

“While giving the brilliant mariner his due, the collection portrays Columbus as an unrelenting social climber and self-promoter who stopped at nothing – not even exploitation, slavery, or twisting Biblical scripture – to advance his ambitions … Many of the unflattering documents have been known for the last century or more, but nobody paid much attention to them until recently … The fact that Columbus brought slavery, enormous exploitation or devastating diseases to the Americas used to be seen as a minor detail – if it was recognized at all – in light of his role as the great bringer of white man’s civilization to the benighted idolatrous American continent. But to historians today this information is very important. It changes our whole view of the enterprise.”

Other documents detail Spaniards within Columbus’ fleet “knifing Indians by tens and twenties and of cutting slices off them to test the sharpness of their blades.”

This day is a cause for celebration? The only difference between Columbus and Osama bin Laden is that bin Laden never set foot in America.

Ignorance is bliss

How, exactly, does the factual evidence of the Columbus massacre not penetrate deeper into society? Why is it not taught in schools? Why does it take a book like “A People’s History of the United States” to put something like this on the map?

America must get over its squeaky-clean image it has fabricated for itself. We’re not a Norman Rockwell painting. We have a disgusting past that we must accept. And by accepting that, we must take Columbus Day down from the pedestal of being a federal holiday. (One more day of work for some of you. I’m sorry.)

This does not mean we must feel guilt for being in America. Sure, we’re ruining it. But that’s a different post for a later date.

Remember today for your heritage. But don’t let the atrocities slip your mind. What that motto we used for 9/11? “Never forget?” Well, let’s remember and never forget where we come from and who lost their lives for out life of luxury.

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Blaming the victim? In bullfighting, yes

Juan Jose Padilla (ground) is gored in the face during a bullfight on Friday in Spain.

Bullseye!

This weekend’s most disturbing Web video goes to the team of matador Juan Jose Padilla and pissed-off bull “Marques.”

It was day two of the Virgen del Pilar festivities in Zaragoza, Spain when Padilla and “Marques” started their song and dance. It probably looked like every other bullfight: The guy dressed like Liberace twirled, dodged and speared the bull in ways that are supposed to be “artistic” and “innovative.” The bull bled, a lot – which is normal and how things are supposed to go during these torture traps.

But then Padilla tripped. (Artistically, I’m sure.) And then the bull gored him in the face. (Innovatively, I’m sure.) The horn went through Padilla’s jaw and upward toward his eye, forcing his eye to bulge out of its socket. Reports say Padilla went through five hours of reconstructive surgery. He faces a prognosis of blindness in one eye and partial facial paralysis, according to the New York Daily News. (And a splitting headache.)

My thoughts? Don’t play in traffic if you don’t want to get hit by a car.

Padilla, the person

You never want to see people get hurt – the human condition is more protective than it is destructive. There aren’t many details available on the 39-year-old Padilla. But it doesn’t matter if he’s a husband, father or free-fucking bachelor – his quality of life is changed forever. Chances are (I hope) he won’t step into a bullfighting circle competitively again. Depending on his fame, he made a living bullfighting. What will he do now? His handicap will affect his future decisions and opportunities.

Padilla, the victim

However, Padilla made a living torturing animals. Bullfighting is not a prevalent sport around the globe as it’s only a big spectacle steeped in tradition in a few countries – Spain and Portugal remaining in the forefront. When a bullfighter is gored, the reaction, in my experience, seems to something along the lines of, “he deserved it,” and “well, that’s what you get when you mess around with an 1,100-pound beast.”

Padilla can’t possibly be dumb enough to not know what kinds of risks he is assuming with bullfighting. I’m sure he has seen friends and fellow performers sustain injuries, if not the occasional gore. So let’s assume Padilla knew this could happen to him. Does this mean we fault him for what happened?

It’s hard not to. In the bullfighting circle, the matador does nearly everything in the book to anger and agitate the bull: The bright colors, the teasing and the spears in the back of the bull. The bull, in this case “Marques,” was already out of his element. Now he is being subjected to irritants and pain. Those horns aren’t there just for decoration. They’re a defense.

The accumulation of all this leads one to believe that Padilla and other bullfighters do everything other than verbally ask for the bull to kick the living shit out of them.

I sincerely hope the average person can see through the differences with this “blame the victim” thinking than we see with various assaults. Our matador is willingly putting himself in harms way for spectacle. A victim of sexual assault is not the antagonizer. End of story.

Fading tradition

It’s torture. It’s barbaric. It’s dated. It’s one of the cruelest forms of entertainment.

Outside bullfighting countries, this seems to be the majority response. There are movements to eliminate bullfighting, and some of them are taking shape. The number of provinces in Spain that have a high participation in bullfighting has dropped of significantly since the 19th century. (See below)

The most recent ban on bullfighting in Spain came in 2010 from the Catalonia region, making it the first major region in Spain to do so, according to reports from cbc.ca. The debate was focused around the rights of the animal against the preservation of tradition. (Funny that nowhere in there did they mention the safety of the matador.)

(ABOVE) Bullfighting in provinces of Spain in 2010. (BELOW) Bullfighting in provinces of Spain in the 19th century. SOURCE: Wikipedia

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Cooking with the Cannibal: ‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’

Image from a.abcnews.com

Omaima Nelson has been in the news as of late for seeking parole for a crime that involved her killing, dismembering and cooking her husband. (She was denied parole)

The obvious reaction (yuck, psycho bitch) gives way to the not-so-obvious reaction. (Did it, ya know, taste good?)

What many don’t know is that Omaima is a terrific cook. She even used her husbands preparation as the pilot to her instructional cooking show, “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.” She also had aspirations of offering “Bizarre Foods” host Andrew Zimmern his first taste of the human anatomy. This likely will not happen. Arrogant Array does, however, have the transcript of Omaima’s pilot episode in which she educates on proper human butchering techniques and offers suggestions on preparation.

Every once and a while you get a craving for something outside the box. Not box as in packaged food, but something you’d be hard-pressed to find anywhere else. Today I have that craving – the craving for human flesh. Problem is, I can’t find it in the market! Ugh! And I don’t have any friends that are disposable enough to broil. What I do have, however, is a husband – a disposable husband. That fat piece of shit will cook up marvelously. So if you’re in the mood for some human being spleen keep the channel right here for “Head, Shoulder, Knees and Toes!”

(Opening sequence)

Hi, everyone! I’m Omaima Nelson and this is “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.” Today we’re delving into human being. Now, I know a lot of you are not very fond of consuming deltoids, but with the proper knowhow and the right techniques, man can be scrumptious!

The first thing we need to do is get our meat. If you’ll follow me out of the kitchen here and into the bathroom, you’ll see I’ve been soaking William – I mean, our human – in some cool water. As you can see, I’ve perforated both sides of the abdomen to allow for gas and pressure release. This will also act as an irrigation for nasty bits inside the tummy.

What we need to do is get our meat from Point A (Omaima hoists her dead husband over her should and walks back into the kitchen) to Point B. Luckily I’ve cleared the counters of everything for my worthless, fat fucking subject.

Now, the first thing we need to do is butcher the subject for our needs. In the coming days I’m going make some poached brains, but not today. So we’ll do away with the head (chop!) and toss that in the freezer. I always called this asshat a dickless wonder, so I might as well turn that prophecy true. (chop!) In the garbage you go.

When choosing what types of dishes you want to prepare when working with human, a popular choice is ribs. I’m here to tell you that’s a bad idea. (Begins cutting around rib cage) These are not your tradition beef ribs. The intercostal tissue remains far too tough during cooking. So let’s pop these ribs out of the chest cavity. You don’t necessarily have to throw them away – you could save them for a stock. Be careful when cutting out the ribs that you don’t damage the muscles that use the ribs as insertion or origin points.

My first dish will be sauteed fingers and toes rendered down in ass-cheek fat. We’ll start by filleting some of his lazy ass cheek off his useless body frame and cooking that down over medium heat in a skillet. In the meantime we’ll get our heavy-duty cleaver and, hopefully, in one chop we can clear each hand and foot of the little appendages. (chop! chop! chop! chop!) Awww, missed a pinkie toe. (chop!) Perfect. Toss those in with the ass-cheek fat, cover and give it 10 minutes or so to cook down.

While that’s going we can prepare another course. Now, the oblique muscle, right here in the side (chop!) make for a great piece of grilling meat. Being surrounded by this lazy asshole’s muffin top will make this extra flavorful. Once you get the muscle removed, season with some salt, some pepper and a little bit of thyme; that will help alleviate some of the mineral flavor.

We’re going to get our grill pan screaming hot and put down some extra virgin olive oil. Once you start seeing wisps of smoke it’s time to start cooking the oblique. We’re gonna let this go for about four minutes on each side to get a good sear. What we’re looking to do is seal in all those juices while providing a nice crust.

Other muscles you can grill with relative ease are calves, lats, quadriceps and deltoids. I would suggest abs but my no-good sloth husband never worked out.

To top things off we’re going to make a bile bechamel sauce. You’ll find the bile duct right here in the lower abdomen. Pull that little pouch out and secrete as much bile in a bowl as you can. Once you’re finished up with that, set it aside. Next, in a saucepan we’re going to heat some butter over medium-low heat. We’ll add some flower and cook that down until it turns a light golden brown.

While that’s happening, take the fingers and toes off the heat and set aside.

Let’s check the oblique now … … aww, yeah. That’s cooking up nice. See that crust forming on the outside? That’s what we’re looking for. We’re going to go ahead and flip this and give it a few more minutes.

Now, we’ll add some milk to our butter and flour mixture and stir that until it’s smooth. At this time we can season with a little bit of salt and a pinch of nutmeg. Also, at this point we’ll add the bile and stir it in until it’s fully incorporated.

I think our oblique is coming to a finish so we’ll pull that off the heat and let it rest.

Right now we’re going to talk about about what to do with the rest of the carcass. If you wanted to do some sort of deep-fried rind, now would be the time to make it happen. If not, the skin is essentially useless to you. The best approach is to separate the muscles you want and freeze them in labeled containers. With my carcasses, I give them to my friend Casey Anthony – she always finds the best storage spots.

With that said, it’s time to plate! Find a large platter and place the seared oblique in the middle. Take your but-cheek fat rendered fingers and toes and sprinkle those around the oblique. On top of the oblique we’ll ladle on some of that bile bechamel sauce. Mmmm, looks terrific.

And there you have it! I’m gonna get this corpse to Casey so she can do whatever she does with her other bodies. Until next time, remember the best foods come from head, shoulders, knees and toes!

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The 10 Commandments are meaningless in today’s society

Image from blog.mysanantonio.com

They’re a bit archaic. … OK, they’re really archaic. The Catholic Bible’s 10 Commandments are a staple in front of many government centers, plazas (The Supreme Court is looking into this) and they even come in little wallet-size reminders for those times you forget that it’s not kosher to eye-fuck your neighbor’s wife.

The problem with the 10 Commandments is that they were conceived around 2070 BC when the big guy upstairs hooked up with Abram (Abraham) and wrote down all of their insecurities. They may have been useful for the people that didn’t actually exist the way God would like you to believe (or man would like you to believe.) But how useful are they in a world with Twitter and jello shots?

Let’s examine the flaws in the old 10 Commandments before writing the new ones for 2011.

1. I, the Lord, am your God. You shall not have other gods besides me.
What a monotheistic prick. You want to be the only god? Fine. If the movie “Spiderman” taught me anything it’s that with great power comes great responsibility. Everything bad in this world is your fault, oh single-and-ready-to-mingle lord. Famine? Natural disasters? Infectious diseases? MTV? It’s all on you. If you want credit for everything, you have to accept the blame that comes along with the glory.

2. You shall not take the name of the Lord God in vain.
Because “God damn it” isn’t in the lexicon of 95% of Americans. Please. We wear flip-flops. Does this mean we take your keen sense of style in vain, too? We have toga parties. Ready to condemn us to imaginary hell yet? We take your words in vain when we proof text the Bible to shit to justify our hateful and ridiculous actions. And we’re not sorry about it.

3. Remember to keep holy the Lord’s day.
Of course we do! We all rest on the 7th day! Except for those in the food industry, retail, sports, civil service, medicine, journalism … To maintain your society, big guy, we can’t slack like you. Note: No one follows this. How often do you see someone stop a cop and say, “If you don’t go home and put on your pajamas the way God intended, right to hell with you!”

4. Honor your father and your mother.
Do we really need the Bible to tell us to appreciate everything our folks have done for us? I wonder if God knows they take this a step further in the South. Not only do they honor their parents, they looooove them, too.

5. You shall not kill.
Yes we shall. We do it every day. Ever hear of “Murderapolis?” They shoot people while wearing rosary beads! And America kills civilians in the Middle East all the time! And you kill people with your hurricanes, typhoons and tornadoes. Why do we need your narcissistic religion to tell us not to kill? How stupid are we?

6. You shall not commit adultery.
But they can rape in the King James Bible. We need you, God, a dude that never gets laid, to tell us not to cheat on people? Have you ever heard of the show “Cheaters?” It’s horribly excellent television. And cheating scandals is what keeps celebrity magazines alive. (That and judging people by their body type.)

7. You shall not steal.
But we can sure loot the hell out of stores when tragedy strikes. I hope the guys on Wall Street or in the medical insurance field are religious. 

8. You shall not bear false witness.
What does this even mean? Don’t lie in court? Gossiping? Narrow your focus, you toga-wearing hypocrite.

9. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.
Spoken like a guy who has never lived next to Seal and his wife, Heidi Klum.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s goods.
Is this because he’s under water on his financing payments or because he’s Muslim? Because if you are the god of America, you can’t be a fan of Muslims. And that’s why you’re a jerk.

10 Commandments for the 21st Century

1. You shall not be judged if you believe in one, two or zero gods.

2. Speak your mind and never let the opinions of others halt your word.

3. Sleep when you’re dead: Go live life.

4. You have family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances. Treat them as equals.

5. You shall not cyber bully.

6. Tell the truth, even when it hurts you or others.

7. Greed is not good.

8. Think for yourself; strive for complete autonomy.

9. If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.

10. Strive for knowledge, not ignorance.

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Williams, Coulter taking back the country … way back

Image from blogs.tennessean.com

Hank Williams Jr. compares President Barack Obama to Adolph Hitler.

Conservative talking head Ann Coulter compares Wall Street protesters to Nazis.

Why are so many political comparisons taking root in the 1930’s? And why are they always coming from the far right?

Williams, who is known by the younger generation as the slack-jawed hick that does the Monday Night Football theme, reached deep into the Tea Party lexicon (about 16 words) and found one he knows nothing about, other than it’s bad.

Obama is trying to give a population healthcare. Hitler gave a population a moderate oven.

Image from assets.nydailynews.com

The answer, in my mind, seems to come down to appealing to the lowest-common denominator. The most out of touch person can likely telling you something about Hitler and the Holocaust. The extent of their detail will probably be, “lots of people died,” but, shit, it’s something.

By posing as an authoritative figure on television, the uneducated will listen. Media literacy is a big problem today in America. Many people cannot correctly identify whether they are viewing analysis, opinion or news editorial content. By Fox News posing Williams as someone who actually knows something, it gives the “average” out-of-touch person the idea that Williams has done an iota of research.

Today’s post is a call to you, the reader. What is your take on the standards of criticism seen in the media?

Is this seen on both the right (Fox News) and the left (MSNBC)?

 

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