Category Archives: Satire

10 Haunted House Themes for 2011

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With Halloween quickly approaching, it’s time to examine one problem with this non-holiday holiday: While we appreciate what we see, we’ve seen it all before. With that, I’m talking about the haunted house. Ohhh, a big scary mansion. I wonder what the guy around the corner is wearing? The outfit from “Scream?” A werewolf? An unidentifiable who-the-fuck-knows-what-that-is monster? While the scare and shock factor for haunted houses always peaks, there’s a sense of letdown when the expected, well, happens. Sure, you jump. But that’s because the guy in front of you jumped out of a dark corner. Once you see his trivial costume, you brush him aside.

I recently visited a Halloween attraction site that brought different themes to the game. There was a mine shaft, “fun house” (clowns, lights and lots of disorientation) and the tried and true (yet remarkable authentic) insane asylum. It was a fresh take on fabricated terror. I saw a girl cry; real tears of terror. It was terrific. Another girl cracked her head open and was bleeding like she had bladed like a pro wrestler. She wanted out that bad that she ran into a low-hanging object. We need more of this.

These are 10 haunted house themes that can both entertain and scare the shit outta ya.

The Abortion Clinic

What could possibly be scarier to a group of onlookers than a deranged doctor sucking fetuses from his unsuspecting patients? This has real potential to disgust on a large scale. Whether you’re for or against abortion, seeing this blood-thirsty physician work the drill and Hoover vacuum in a dimly-lit, filthy room is creepy.

The Military Embed

The minute you purchase your tickets for this attraction, everything is fair game. Good luck dodging the souls and zombies of those soldiers and civilians killed in battle. When you attempt to seek safety and salvation at your base, you’ll learn it is being haunted by conflicting political groups looking to take your resources and life in the name of their ideology.

Michael Jackson’s bedroom

True life is often scarier than what we can conceive in a fictional setting. All you need to make this work is the corpse of Michael Jackson (who was plenty scary alive) and his dimly lit room to give people the heebie-jeebies. Scatter it with the spirits of the children he molested and you have a pretty bizarre room.

A Hollister Co. store

The soulless drones that walk this dark store have taken lifeless conformity for the lesser good to new heights. You’ll gag with the smell of 8th grade cologne if you don’t have your life drained by the sales tactics of the uneducated staff first. It may look like a West Coast oasis, but it’s far more terrifying than that.

Anthony Weiner’s photography lab

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Enter, but only if you have a strong stomach. The vain Weiner litters his lab with his best sexts. The grown Weiner has a wall full of his best dick pics while working on a collage of mirror shots of his ass. In the corner, a nearly-nude Weiner laughs in a maniacal to himself while snapping away with his iPhone. Kindly decline if he asks you to “send to receive.” Failing to do this will land you a life of shame and regret.

The organic food co-op

After struggling to crawl through the cloud of smugness that will meet you at the entrance, you’ll have to remain low to the ground as not to be spotted by a sales associate looking to sell you expired quinoa. Keep in mind that the associates aren’t zombies, they’re just baked out of their skulls on pot and mushrooms. Avoiding falling for the popular marketing term “organic” and you just might make it out alive.

Walmart

With all lights off you have to navigate your way through deals, poorly made products and yokel shoppers to escape the confines of the big-box store. Don’t expect directions or help from employees – those worthless fucks’ only means of communication is a mumble and a groan. Around every corner, down every aisle and placed on every endcap is a reason to be frightened. The best way to escape Walmart is to avoid going there in the first place.

High school

Take the worst time of your life and make it even worse. The assholes you remember are now …  … … you know, on second thought this need not change at all. The only thing not making high school a horror house (it’s already a whore house) is the quality of the building. Take those little fucks and throw them in a broken down, podunk  structure to fend for themselves and you have the worst place on Earth. (Many of these kids double as cast members at Hollister.)

The night club

You’ll definitely have to sign a release waiver for this one. There’s a very real chance you’ll be raped by a faux macho clubber. This haunted attraction is highlighted by body-numbing bass from the shitty music you love to hate to male zombies drugging female zombies. Grab a pool cue to use as defense and destroy as many yuppie clubbers as you can. This is a free-for-all. Make the world a better place.

Your childhood own home

This is a stretch, but what would be scarier than seeing a mock creation of the place you grew up in as a child haunted by god knows what? Even better, a depiction of your dead family is there feasting away on house guests. This would be spectacular! Driving by familiar childhood sites can be eery enough. Take it to the next level by immersing yourself in a completely haunting portrayal of your past.

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Lost in a corn maze? Welcome to the world of expectations

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“I don’t see anybody. I’m really scared. It’s really dark and we’ve got a three-week-old baby with us. … We thought this would be fun. Instead, it’s a nightmare. I don’t know what made us do this. It was daytime when we came in. And I never take my daughter out. This is the first time. Never again!”

Perhaps they thought “The Haunted Corn Field” was really haunted. Perhaps they just didn’t stop and think about their situation. They certainly stopped. Though, it appears they did not think.

As many have heard, a family of four panicked while in the depths of a corn maze Wednesday evening and called 911 so authorities could locate them and guide them to safety. The maze was reportedly seven acres in size, so it should take some time to navigate.

The kicker? The family was only 25 feet from the exit. D’oh!

In the 911 transcript, the woman was worried for her 3-week old child. After all, it was dark – the Boogeyman was surely around the next bend of stalks. Of course, the family was located by police and a K-9 unit. They are still alive. Thank God.

What’s baffling here is the amount of panic that fell upon the adults from getting lost in an attraction you’re supposed to get lost in. The stalks were apparently too daunting of a task to overcome, as reports say lights and a nearby highway would have offered clues on how to get back to civilization.

Offering solutions

You’re a parent, stuck in a corn maze and fearing for your child’s safety. What to do, what to do?

Did it ever occur to the parents that they could maybe plow down some rows of corn? You know, cheat? Despite their paralyzing fear of the maze, they continued to play the game!

And the cell phone? The maze reportedly offered cell phone messages with clues along the way. I guess the Blue’s Clues-level hints were too complicated to piece together.

Also, typical man to not stop and ask for directions. Sheesh. I bet the wife was nagging on him to pull over and ask the family ahead for some advice. The kids were probably crying. The wife was probably yelling. Dad was probably pensively navigating.

I’m sure dad slept well on the couch that night.

 

Here’s video from the news story:

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Cooking with the Cannibal: ‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’

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Omaima Nelson has been in the news as of late for seeking parole for a crime that involved her killing, dismembering and cooking her husband. (She was denied parole)

The obvious reaction (yuck, psycho bitch) gives way to the not-so-obvious reaction. (Did it, ya know, taste good?)

What many don’t know is that Omaima is a terrific cook. She even used her husbands preparation as the pilot to her instructional cooking show, “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.” She also had aspirations of offering “Bizarre Foods” host Andrew Zimmern his first taste of the human anatomy. This likely will not happen. Arrogant Array does, however, have the transcript of Omaima’s pilot episode in which she educates on proper human butchering techniques and offers suggestions on preparation.

Every once and a while you get a craving for something outside the box. Not box as in packaged food, but something you’d be hard-pressed to find anywhere else. Today I have that craving – the craving for human flesh. Problem is, I can’t find it in the market! Ugh! And I don’t have any friends that are disposable enough to broil. What I do have, however, is a husband – a disposable husband. That fat piece of shit will cook up marvelously. So if you’re in the mood for some human being spleen keep the channel right here for “Head, Shoulder, Knees and Toes!”

(Opening sequence)

Hi, everyone! I’m Omaima Nelson and this is “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.” Today we’re delving into human being. Now, I know a lot of you are not very fond of consuming deltoids, but with the proper knowhow and the right techniques, man can be scrumptious!

The first thing we need to do is get our meat. If you’ll follow me out of the kitchen here and into the bathroom, you’ll see I’ve been soaking William – I mean, our human – in some cool water. As you can see, I’ve perforated both sides of the abdomen to allow for gas and pressure release. This will also act as an irrigation for nasty bits inside the tummy.

What we need to do is get our meat from Point A (Omaima hoists her dead husband over her should and walks back into the kitchen) to Point B. Luckily I’ve cleared the counters of everything for my worthless, fat fucking subject.

Now, the first thing we need to do is butcher the subject for our needs. In the coming days I’m going make some poached brains, but not today. So we’ll do away with the head (chop!) and toss that in the freezer. I always called this asshat a dickless wonder, so I might as well turn that prophecy true. (chop!) In the garbage you go.

When choosing what types of dishes you want to prepare when working with human, a popular choice is ribs. I’m here to tell you that’s a bad idea. (Begins cutting around rib cage) These are not your tradition beef ribs. The intercostal tissue remains far too tough during cooking. So let’s pop these ribs out of the chest cavity. You don’t necessarily have to throw them away – you could save them for a stock. Be careful when cutting out the ribs that you don’t damage the muscles that use the ribs as insertion or origin points.

My first dish will be sauteed fingers and toes rendered down in ass-cheek fat. We’ll start by filleting some of his lazy ass cheek off his useless body frame and cooking that down over medium heat in a skillet. In the meantime we’ll get our heavy-duty cleaver and, hopefully, in one chop we can clear each hand and foot of the little appendages. (chop! chop! chop! chop!) Awww, missed a pinkie toe. (chop!) Perfect. Toss those in with the ass-cheek fat, cover and give it 10 minutes or so to cook down.

While that’s going we can prepare another course. Now, the oblique muscle, right here in the side (chop!) make for a great piece of grilling meat. Being surrounded by this lazy asshole’s muffin top will make this extra flavorful. Once you get the muscle removed, season with some salt, some pepper and a little bit of thyme; that will help alleviate some of the mineral flavor.

We’re going to get our grill pan screaming hot and put down some extra virgin olive oil. Once you start seeing wisps of smoke it’s time to start cooking the oblique. We’re gonna let this go for about four minutes on each side to get a good sear. What we’re looking to do is seal in all those juices while providing a nice crust.

Other muscles you can grill with relative ease are calves, lats, quadriceps and deltoids. I would suggest abs but my no-good sloth husband never worked out.

To top things off we’re going to make a bile bechamel sauce. You’ll find the bile duct right here in the lower abdomen. Pull that little pouch out and secrete as much bile in a bowl as you can. Once you’re finished up with that, set it aside. Next, in a saucepan we’re going to heat some butter over medium-low heat. We’ll add some flower and cook that down until it turns a light golden brown.

While that’s happening, take the fingers and toes off the heat and set aside.

Let’s check the oblique now … … aww, yeah. That’s cooking up nice. See that crust forming on the outside? That’s what we’re looking for. We’re going to go ahead and flip this and give it a few more minutes.

Now, we’ll add some milk to our butter and flour mixture and stir that until it’s smooth. At this time we can season with a little bit of salt and a pinch of nutmeg. Also, at this point we’ll add the bile and stir it in until it’s fully incorporated.

I think our oblique is coming to a finish so we’ll pull that off the heat and let it rest.

Right now we’re going to talk about about what to do with the rest of the carcass. If you wanted to do some sort of deep-fried rind, now would be the time to make it happen. If not, the skin is essentially useless to you. The best approach is to separate the muscles you want and freeze them in labeled containers. With my carcasses, I give them to my friend Casey Anthony – she always finds the best storage spots.

With that said, it’s time to plate! Find a large platter and place the seared oblique in the middle. Take your but-cheek fat rendered fingers and toes and sprinkle those around the oblique. On top of the oblique we’ll ladle on some of that bile bechamel sauce. Mmmm, looks terrific.

And there you have it! I’m gonna get this corpse to Casey so she can do whatever she does with her other bodies. Until next time, remember the best foods come from head, shoulders, knees and toes!

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The 10 Commandments are meaningless in today’s society

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They’re a bit archaic. … OK, they’re really archaic. The Catholic Bible’s 10 Commandments are a staple in front of many government centers, plazas (The Supreme Court is looking into this) and they even come in little wallet-size reminders for those times you forget that it’s not kosher to eye-fuck your neighbor’s wife.

The problem with the 10 Commandments is that they were conceived around 2070 BC when the big guy upstairs hooked up with Abram (Abraham) and wrote down all of their insecurities. They may have been useful for the people that didn’t actually exist the way God would like you to believe (or man would like you to believe.) But how useful are they in a world with Twitter and jello shots?

Let’s examine the flaws in the old 10 Commandments before writing the new ones for 2011.

1. I, the Lord, am your God. You shall not have other gods besides me.
What a monotheistic prick. You want to be the only god? Fine. If the movie “Spiderman” taught me anything it’s that with great power comes great responsibility. Everything bad in this world is your fault, oh single-and-ready-to-mingle lord. Famine? Natural disasters? Infectious diseases? MTV? It’s all on you. If you want credit for everything, you have to accept the blame that comes along with the glory.

2. You shall not take the name of the Lord God in vain.
Because “God damn it” isn’t in the lexicon of 95% of Americans. Please. We wear flip-flops. Does this mean we take your keen sense of style in vain, too? We have toga parties. Ready to condemn us to imaginary hell yet? We take your words in vain when we proof text the Bible to shit to justify our hateful and ridiculous actions. And we’re not sorry about it.

3. Remember to keep holy the Lord’s day.
Of course we do! We all rest on the 7th day! Except for those in the food industry, retail, sports, civil service, medicine, journalism … To maintain your society, big guy, we can’t slack like you. Note: No one follows this. How often do you see someone stop a cop and say, “If you don’t go home and put on your pajamas the way God intended, right to hell with you!”

4. Honor your father and your mother.
Do we really need the Bible to tell us to appreciate everything our folks have done for us? I wonder if God knows they take this a step further in the South. Not only do they honor their parents, they looooove them, too.

5. You shall not kill.
Yes we shall. We do it every day. Ever hear of “Murderapolis?” They shoot people while wearing rosary beads! And America kills civilians in the Middle East all the time! And you kill people with your hurricanes, typhoons and tornadoes. Why do we need your narcissistic religion to tell us not to kill? How stupid are we?

6. You shall not commit adultery.
But they can rape in the King James Bible. We need you, God, a dude that never gets laid, to tell us not to cheat on people? Have you ever heard of the show “Cheaters?” It’s horribly excellent television. And cheating scandals is what keeps celebrity magazines alive. (That and judging people by their body type.)

7. You shall not steal.
But we can sure loot the hell out of stores when tragedy strikes. I hope the guys on Wall Street or in the medical insurance field are religious. 

8. You shall not bear false witness.
What does this even mean? Don’t lie in court? Gossiping? Narrow your focus, you toga-wearing hypocrite.

9. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.
Spoken like a guy who has never lived next to Seal and his wife, Heidi Klum.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s goods.
Is this because he’s under water on his financing payments or because he’s Muslim? Because if you are the god of America, you can’t be a fan of Muslims. And that’s why you’re a jerk.

10 Commandments for the 21st Century

1. You shall not be judged if you believe in one, two or zero gods.

2. Speak your mind and never let the opinions of others halt your word.

3. Sleep when you’re dead: Go live life.

4. You have family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances. Treat them as equals.

5. You shall not cyber bully.

6. Tell the truth, even when it hurts you or others.

7. Greed is not good.

8. Think for yourself; strive for complete autonomy.

9. If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.

10. Strive for knowledge, not ignorance.

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