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They’re a bit archaic. … OK, they’re really archaic. The Catholic Bible’s 10 Commandments are a staple in front of many government centers, plazas (The Supreme Court is looking into this) and they even come in little wallet-size reminders for those times you forget that it’s not kosher to eye-fuck your neighbor’s wife.
The problem with the 10 Commandments is that they were conceived around 2070 BC when the big guy upstairs hooked up with Abram (Abraham) and wrote down all of their insecurities. They may have been useful for the people that didn’t actually exist the way God would like you to believe (or man would like you to believe.) But how useful are they in a world with Twitter and jello shots?
Let’s examine the flaws in the old 10 Commandments before writing the new ones for 2011.
1. I, the Lord, am your God. You shall not have other gods besides me.
What a monotheistic prick. You want to be the only god? Fine. If the movie “Spiderman” taught me anything it’s that with great power comes great responsibility. Everything bad in this world is your fault, oh single-and-ready-to-mingle lord. Famine? Natural disasters? Infectious diseases? MTV? It’s all on you. If you want credit for everything, you have to accept the blame that comes along with the glory.
2. You shall not take the name of the Lord God in vain.
Because “God damn it” isn’t in the lexicon of 95% of Americans. Please. We wear flip-flops. Does this mean we take your keen sense of style in vain, too? We have toga parties. Ready to condemn us to imaginary hell yet? We take your words in vain when we proof text the Bible to shit to justify our hateful and ridiculous actions. And we’re not sorry about it.
3. Remember to keep holy the Lord’s day.
Of course we do! We all rest on the 7th day! Except for those in the food industry, retail, sports, civil service, medicine, journalism … To maintain your society, big guy, we can’t slack like you. Note: No one follows this. How often do you see someone stop a cop and say, “If you don’t go home and put on your pajamas the way God intended, right to hell with you!”
4. Honor your father and your mother.
Do we really need the Bible to tell us to appreciate everything our folks have done for us? I wonder if God knows they take this a step further in the South. Not only do they honor their parents, they looooove them, too.
5. You shall not kill.
Yes we shall. We do it every day. Ever hear of “Murderapolis?” They shoot people while wearing rosary beads! And America kills civilians in the Middle East all the time! And you kill people with your hurricanes, typhoons and tornadoes. Why do we need your narcissistic religion to tell us not to kill? How stupid are we?
6. You shall not commit adultery.
But they can rape in the King James Bible. We need you, God, a dude that never gets laid, to tell us not to cheat on people? Have you ever heard of the show “Cheaters?” It’s horribly excellent television. And cheating scandals is what keeps celebrity magazines alive. (That and judging people by their body type.)
7. You shall not steal.
But we can sure loot the hell out of stores when tragedy strikes. I hope the guys on Wall Street or in the medical insurance field are religious.
8. You shall not bear false witness.
What does this even mean? Don’t lie in court? Gossiping? Narrow your focus, you toga-wearing hypocrite.
9. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.
Spoken like a guy who has never lived next to Seal and his wife, Heidi Klum.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s goods.
Is this because he’s under water on his financing payments or because he’s Muslim? Because if you are the god of America, you can’t be a fan of Muslims. And that’s why you’re a jerk.
10 Commandments for the 21st Century
1. You shall not be judged if you believe in one, two or zero gods.
2. Speak your mind and never let the opinions of others halt your word.
3. Sleep when you’re dead: Go live life.
4. You have family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances. Treat them as equals.
5. You shall not cyber bully.
6. Tell the truth, even when it hurts you or others.
7. Greed is not good.
8. Think for yourself; strive for complete autonomy.
9. If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.
10. Strive for knowledge, not ignorance.