Tag Archives: Food

Dr Pepper 10: The soulless world of marketing

Image from fempop.com

Men don’t drink diet soda. And they don’t like sharing what they drink with women. You know what they do like? They like guns, action movies, ATVs and shit like that. MANLY shit like that!

At least that’s what the marketing team over at Dr Pepper Snapple Group – which apparently only hires knuckle-dragging, Republican cavemen – wants you to think.

The first question that comes to mind is, “Will men fall for this? Is that really the expectation?”

Then I see guys wearing Affliction t-shirts because they think that will get them mistaken as a mixed martial artist or UFC fighter. So, yes. That is the expectation and that is what will happen. (But only to a small segment of thick-skulled morons who are paranoid about their testosterone level.)

Here’s the 30-second commercial clip:

Whew. I’m parched. I could sure go for a nice, cold can of gender profiling to quench my thirst. Is this what men need? They, apparently, hate diet drinks. But they’re okay with a diet drink masquerading as a … diet drink? It’s 10 calories! How does that not scream “diet drink?” A CBS story says men are simply fed up with their options and have called for change. Here is an excerpt:

“Dr Pepper said men, in particular, are dissatisfied with the taste and image of diet drinks. The company wouldn’t disclose the formula of Dr Pepper Ten, but said that the drink has 10 calories and 2 grams of sugar, which gives it a sweeter taste. Dr Pepper said there are 23 flavors in its regular soda, (which has 150 calories and 27 grams of sugar per can) and Dr Pepper Ten contains all of them.”

On the surface, this sounds like a bad business model. Catering solely to men (the gender minority in America) who are uncomfortable enough in their skin to think that they need a drink made specifically for them is certainly niche driven. But it just might be dumb enough to work.

Women will drink Dr Pepper 10. It’s reverse psychology; tell someone they can’t do something and they suddenly feel to urge to out of spite. Men who drink it will do so because they’re thirsty, not because it has been branded in a way to turn up their testosterone.

What stigma?

Dr Pepper says men are dissatisfied with the image of diet drinks. Where is this study? And who the hell makes fun of someone for drinking diet soda? You have shitty friends if that’s the case.

More frustrating than Dr Pepper re-branding a diet drink as a diet drink is the gender warfare the company perceives to exist over what we consume. People who put thought into what they say see food as, well, food. People who think like the Dr Pepper marketing team see meat as men’s food and vegetables as women’s food.

There is no way to tell if this approach to marketing Dr Pepper 10 will work. Regardless of whether it does or not, men should be offended by it. They have been pigeonholed as simpletons who will do anything to not have to deal with women and their feminine ways.

A bigger issue?

Perhaps I’m making mountains our of molehills. Women in America are talked down upon and face this type of stereotyping everyday. But the idea that men are aloof, idiotic, good-for-nothing garage dwellers is played up as an endearing trait in shows such as “Married with Children” and, more recently, “King of Queens,” “Yes, Dear,” and “Still Standing.” The shows portray men as too moronic to fend for themselves and in need of constant correction from the female.

Now, this might be a big jump from a can of soda, but it all boils down to marketing and advertising. This type of gender marketing is lazy on both ends of said practices. (It also further illustrates that the majority of those in marketing and advertising have no interest in bettering the world and will sell products at the expense of a positive message. But they’re paid to make money, not the world a better place.)

Dr Pepper 10 will succeed in the short-term because it is a new product. Men will buy it to piss off their girlfriends. Women will drink it to piss off their boyfriends. Activists will drink it out of irony because American activists and protesters are lazy. (I smell a social media campaign against it.)

But does it need to come to this?

After all, it’s just soda. Diet or not, shut up and enjoy it.

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Cooking with the Cannibal: ‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’

Image from a.abcnews.com

Omaima Nelson has been in the news as of late for seeking parole for a crime that involved her killing, dismembering and cooking her husband. (She was denied parole)

The obvious reaction (yuck, psycho bitch) gives way to the not-so-obvious reaction. (Did it, ya know, taste good?)

What many don’t know is that Omaima is a terrific cook. She even used her husbands preparation as the pilot to her instructional cooking show, “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.” She also had aspirations of offering “Bizarre Foods” host Andrew Zimmern his first taste of the human anatomy. This likely will not happen. Arrogant Array does, however, have the transcript of Omaima’s pilot episode in which she educates on proper human butchering techniques and offers suggestions on preparation.

Every once and a while you get a craving for something outside the box. Not box as in packaged food, but something you’d be hard-pressed to find anywhere else. Today I have that craving – the craving for human flesh. Problem is, I can’t find it in the market! Ugh! And I don’t have any friends that are disposable enough to broil. What I do have, however, is a husband – a disposable husband. That fat piece of shit will cook up marvelously. So if you’re in the mood for some human being spleen keep the channel right here for “Head, Shoulder, Knees and Toes!”

(Opening sequence)

Hi, everyone! I’m Omaima Nelson and this is “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.” Today we’re delving into human being. Now, I know a lot of you are not very fond of consuming deltoids, but with the proper knowhow and the right techniques, man can be scrumptious!

The first thing we need to do is get our meat. If you’ll follow me out of the kitchen here and into the bathroom, you’ll see I’ve been soaking William – I mean, our human – in some cool water. As you can see, I’ve perforated both sides of the abdomen to allow for gas and pressure release. This will also act as an irrigation for nasty bits inside the tummy.

What we need to do is get our meat from Point A (Omaima hoists her dead husband over her should and walks back into the kitchen) to Point B. Luckily I’ve cleared the counters of everything for my worthless, fat fucking subject.

Now, the first thing we need to do is butcher the subject for our needs. In the coming days I’m going make some poached brains, but not today. So we’ll do away with the head (chop!) and toss that in the freezer. I always called this asshat a dickless wonder, so I might as well turn that prophecy true. (chop!) In the garbage you go.

When choosing what types of dishes you want to prepare when working with human, a popular choice is ribs. I’m here to tell you that’s a bad idea. (Begins cutting around rib cage) These are not your tradition beef ribs. The intercostal tissue remains far too tough during cooking. So let’s pop these ribs out of the chest cavity. You don’t necessarily have to throw them away – you could save them for a stock. Be careful when cutting out the ribs that you don’t damage the muscles that use the ribs as insertion or origin points.

My first dish will be sauteed fingers and toes rendered down in ass-cheek fat. We’ll start by filleting some of his lazy ass cheek off his useless body frame and cooking that down over medium heat in a skillet. In the meantime we’ll get our heavy-duty cleaver and, hopefully, in one chop we can clear each hand and foot of the little appendages. (chop! chop! chop! chop!) Awww, missed a pinkie toe. (chop!) Perfect. Toss those in with the ass-cheek fat, cover and give it 10 minutes or so to cook down.

While that’s going we can prepare another course. Now, the oblique muscle, right here in the side (chop!) make for a great piece of grilling meat. Being surrounded by this lazy asshole’s muffin top will make this extra flavorful. Once you get the muscle removed, season with some salt, some pepper and a little bit of thyme; that will help alleviate some of the mineral flavor.

We’re going to get our grill pan screaming hot and put down some extra virgin olive oil. Once you start seeing wisps of smoke it’s time to start cooking the oblique. We’re gonna let this go for about four minutes on each side to get a good sear. What we’re looking to do is seal in all those juices while providing a nice crust.

Other muscles you can grill with relative ease are calves, lats, quadriceps and deltoids. I would suggest abs but my no-good sloth husband never worked out.

To top things off we’re going to make a bile bechamel sauce. You’ll find the bile duct right here in the lower abdomen. Pull that little pouch out and secrete as much bile in a bowl as you can. Once you’re finished up with that, set it aside. Next, in a saucepan we’re going to heat some butter over medium-low heat. We’ll add some flower and cook that down until it turns a light golden brown.

While that’s happening, take the fingers and toes off the heat and set aside.

Let’s check the oblique now … … aww, yeah. That’s cooking up nice. See that crust forming on the outside? That’s what we’re looking for. We’re going to go ahead and flip this and give it a few more minutes.

Now, we’ll add some milk to our butter and flour mixture and stir that until it’s smooth. At this time we can season with a little bit of salt and a pinch of nutmeg. Also, at this point we’ll add the bile and stir it in until it’s fully incorporated.

I think our oblique is coming to a finish so we’ll pull that off the heat and let it rest.

Right now we’re going to talk about about what to do with the rest of the carcass. If you wanted to do some sort of deep-fried rind, now would be the time to make it happen. If not, the skin is essentially useless to you. The best approach is to separate the muscles you want and freeze them in labeled containers. With my carcasses, I give them to my friend Casey Anthony – she always finds the best storage spots.

With that said, it’s time to plate! Find a large platter and place the seared oblique in the middle. Take your but-cheek fat rendered fingers and toes and sprinkle those around the oblique. On top of the oblique we’ll ladle on some of that bile bechamel sauce. Mmmm, looks terrific.

And there you have it! I’m gonna get this corpse to Casey so she can do whatever she does with her other bodies. Until next time, remember the best foods come from head, shoulders, knees and toes!

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